Holding your scarred heart in hand

Video

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 15:32:00 -0400

Still counting off the days for when i can start the program.

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:10:39 -0500

9 months to go. as i walk the path my life is taking me, i strugle with myself.

Every time, i face new problems, telling the truth to people i care about the most. Sometimes you can see the change in their face, in their eyes. You can see that some of them don’t really get it, you can see their disbelieve, disappointment, sadness. But in some cases you just see the same friendship and love like they always hade. If they decide to never talk to me again, I would respect that.

But im lucky enough that if always been surrounded by people who love me no matter what.

got to love my friends

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:33:33 -0500

got to love my friends

in my eyes my life is a living hell. it has been from age of 8. people in fact don't ever seem to believe that there is something wrong with me. there is, but loving life itself being happy that i live even if i have a shit load of crap on my shoulders. doesn't mean that i can't ever be sad.

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 14:13:21 -0400

not that i complain but im fucking sick of feeling that i need to convince people that there do is something wrong with me

MY FUCKING GOD

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 12:39:44 -0400

what is it with you’r fucking pissed off mood. “i dont wanaa play a cab” we hardly ask you to drive somewhere and its the same fucking distance.

do not fucking insult me because you’r mood is shit

my patience is put to a test, and its driving me crazy

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 14:45:00 -0400

sometimes i think one year thats not that long i will get there. but on the other hand 1 YEAR TO GET THE FUCKING THERAPY its driving me mental.

its fucked up that you have to wait 1 year for therapy and if you are all tested and stuff you get the greenlight and can start T by that time your 6 to 8 months later.

what if i get red light? what if my head is just making this up, i don’t know what i should do with myself if i do get red light. and on the other hand i shoudn’t be scared i know who i am, and who i am right now is not right to me.

i hate selfdoubt as much as i hate my fucking self and i’m not a persone who hates his self. so thats fucked up even more.

got the new binder though its alittle bit better but still not completly flat but i just have to deal with that.

good times

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 12:51:00 -0400

so the normal ups and downs are there

but if been down to long

i bought my first binder. the lady who makes them is super nice.

i’m really happy with it, but its not completly flat and i had a M so i orderd a S online from the same lady. now i hope i fit that one and if it makes me flat :)

ooh and i choose a name

Ryan

i always liked it so thats how i’m called :)

tomorrow getting my first binder i can't wait

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:25:57 -0400

coming out

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 15:39:15 -0400

so i told my mom in a 2 pages long letter how i feel. she basicly thinks its a fase. i hope it is. but i will see i just know that this answers my whole live of hating myself. and if i say in about a year this is not the right path. i will changes, maybe i settle with androgyness feel, or genderqueer, highly doubt that. i wish i could.

but anyway now she ask me just to “be myself” and don’t go “to in the extreem world” she also says if its my choiche to go this path after a year and 8 months of therapy she will always love me for who i am. so thats what i will do, or try. try to live my life to the normal standarts and just wait for therapy. if they say you can go on hormones that will defaintly be my choiche right now but if they say you can better stay who you are. i’m gonna try and i accept that.

my future is foggy so are my feelings right now. i feel all screwed up, but i have to be patient.

IM IN I'm in the gender program. I could fucking cry right now.

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 07:16:24 -0400

I'm the happiest kid alive right now

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 13:39:58 -0400

i had my appointment with a gender therapist. it all went good, and he said “if its up to me i would put you in the programme right away, or in fact let you start hormons tomorrow. but i can’t. the rest of the gender team has to decide on thursday”

SOO thats great news. i have high hopes and friday i get the “test result” for the programme.

lets not talk about the fact that i have to wait atleast 15 months before i can start T, because of the waiting list. uuuuuugh waiting list crap

at laaaast

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 11:55:16 -0400

i went to the hospital to the gender part, and i have a appointment with a docter next week.

i am so happy right now

you know what sucks the most? not the person whispering to another person "is that a boy or a girl??" but the other person answering "Its a girl"

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 16:18:00 -0400

how can i live my life, when i'm gonna be a dissapointment by the person who i care for the most. how can i truly be myself when she says as a joke "i don't want 2 sons i already have one. you are a girl and you will die a girl" how can you say that?

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 10:16:00 -0400

it turns out thats its fucking hard to go to a fucking gender therapist in this piece of crap country. FML much

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 11:23:00 -0400

so i have been kinda deppresed the past view days, because its taking soooo long for people to respond to the email. im thinking about buying a binder to look how it feels and im going to this trans meeting. so i can't wait for that.

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 16:17:27 -0400

soo on lgbt camp i told my teamcoardinator that if got this feeling that i might have been born in the wrong body. now she mailed someone from the trans community in holland so i can talk to them. i also told some of my friends that i kinda have this probleme and feel this way and they took it really well.

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 06:35:42 -0400

it feels good, on one side i’m scared as fuck but on the other i cant wait to talk to someone

last week i met the first transguy in my life on lgbtcamp. he was in my team and finally someone i could talk to about it

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 18:02:43 -0400

vacation maybe it will take my mind off of things

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 18:33:29 -0400

Nobody ever listens to me

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 19:45:40 -0400