Still counting off the days for when i can start the program.
9 months to go. as i walk the path my life is taking me, i strugle with myself.
Every time, i face new problems, telling the truth to people i care about the most. Sometimes you can see the change in their face, in their eyes. You can see that some of them don’t really get it, you can see their disbelieve, disappointment, sadness. But in some cases you just see the same friendship and love like they always hade. If they decide to never talk to me again, I would respect that.
But im lucky enough that if always been surrounded by people who love me no matter what.
in my eyes my life is a living hell. it has been from age of 8. people in fact don't ever seem to believe that there is something wrong with me. there is, but loving life itself being happy that i live even if i have a shit load of crap on my shoulders. doesn't mean that i can't ever be sad.
not that i complain but im fucking sick of feeling that i need to convince people that there do is something wrong with me
my patience is put to a test, and its driving me crazy
sometimes i think one year thats not that long i will get there. but on the other hand 1 YEAR TO GET THE FUCKING THERAPY its driving me mental.
its fucked up that you have to wait 1 year for therapy and if you are all tested and stuff you get the greenlight and can start T by that time your 6 to 8 months later.
what if i get red light? what if my head is just making this up, i don’t know what i should do with myself if i do get red light. and on the other hand i shoudn’t be scared i know who i am, and who i am right now is not right to me.
i hate selfdoubt as much as i hate my fucking self and i’m not a persone who hates his self. so thats fucked up even more.
got the new binder though its alittle bit better but still not completly flat but i just have to deal with that.
so i told my mom in a 2 pages long letter how i feel. she basicly thinks its a fase. i hope it is. but i will see i just know that this answers my whole live of hating myself. and if i say in about a year this is not the right path. i will changes, maybe i settle with androgyness feel, or genderqueer, highly doubt that. i wish i could.
but anyway now she ask me just to “be myself” and don’t go “to in the extreem world” she also says if its my choiche to go this path after a year and 8 months of therapy she will always love me for who i am. so thats what i will do, or try. try to live my life to the normal standarts and just wait for therapy. if they say you can go on hormones that will defaintly be my choiche right now but if they say you can better stay who you are. i’m gonna try and i accept that.
my future is foggy so are my feelings right now. i feel all screwed up, but i have to be patient.
i had my appointment with a gender therapist. it all went good, and he said “if its up to me i would put you in the programme right away, or in fact let you start hormons tomorrow. but i can’t. the rest of the gender team has to decide on thursday”
SOO thats great news. i have high hopes and friday i get the “test result” for the programme.
lets not talk about the fact that i have to wait atleast 15 months before i can start T, because of the waiting list. uuuuuugh waiting list crap
how can i live my life, when i'm gonna be a dissapointment by the person who i care for the most. how can i truly be myself when she says as a joke "i don't want 2 sons i already have one. you are a girl and you will die a girl" how can you say that?
so i have been kinda deppresed the past view days, because its taking soooo long for people to respond to the email. im thinking about buying a binder to look how it feels and im going to this trans meeting. so i can't wait for that.
soo on lgbt camp i told my teamcoardinator that if got this feeling that i might have been born in the wrong body. now she mailed someone from the trans community in holland so i can talk to them. i also told some of my friends that i kinda have this probleme and feel this way and they took it really well.
it feels good, on one side i’m scared as fuck but on the other i cant wait to talk to someone
not wanting to see your best friend but do meet up with a random persone. thats weird just saying
actually it pisses me off because if i wasn’t so easy in just doing things and me biking to your place, we would hardly see each other. like our other friend, she misses you and you are just to lazy to go to her or do something. i’m not saying you can’t meet new people its better you should meet more people. but not working on your friendship that you already have making excuses Saying you don’t have time is not a excuse because you hardly go to school and don’t work. Saying you are not feeling like it because of your deppresion isn’t a excuse either because you don’t mind if we come to your place, but you going to her is a problem?