9 months to go. as i walk the path my life is taking me, i strugle with myself. 

Every time, i face new problems, telling the truth to people i care about the most. Sometimes you can see the change in their face, in their eyes. You can see that some of them don’t really get it, you can see their disbelieve, disappointment, sadness. But in some cases you just see the same friendship and love like they always hade. If they decide to never talk to me again, I would respect that. 

But im lucky enough that if always been surrounded by people who love me no matter what.

not that i complain but im fucking sick of feeling that i need to convince people that there do is something wrong with me 

what is it with you’r fucking pissed off mood. “i dont wanaa play a cab” we hardly ask you to drive somewhere and its the same fucking distance. 

do not fucking insult me because you’r mood is shit 

sometimes i think one year thats not that long i will get there. but on the other hand 1 YEAR TO GET THE FUCKING THERAPY its driving me mental. 

its fucked up that you have to wait 1 year for therapy and if you are all tested and stuff you get the greenlight and can start T by that time your 6 to 8 months later.

what if i get red light? what if my head is just making this up, i don’t know what i should do with myself if i do get red light. and on the other hand i shoudn’t be scared i know who i am, and who i am right now is not right to me. 

i hate selfdoubt as much as i hate my fucking self and i’m not a persone who hates his self. so thats fucked up even more.

got the new binder though its alittle bit better but still not completly flat but i just have to deal with that.

so the normal ups and downs are there 

but if been down to long 

i bought my first binder. the lady who makes them is super nice. 

i’m really happy with it, but its not completly flat and i had a M so i orderd a S online from the same lady. now i hope i fit that one and if it makes me flat :)

ooh and i choose a name

Ryan 

i always liked it so thats how i’m called :)

so i told my mom in a 2 pages long letter how i feel. she basicly thinks its a fase. i hope it is. but i will see i just know that this answers my whole live of hating myself. and if i say in about a year this is not the right path. i will changes, maybe i settle with androgyness feel, or genderqueer, highly doubt that. i wish i could. 

but anyway now she ask me just to “be myself” and don’t go “to in the extreem world” she also says if its my choiche to go this path after a year and 8 months of therapy she will always love me for who i am. so thats what i will do, or try. try to live my life to the normal standarts and just wait for therapy. if they say you can go on hormones that will defaintly be my choiche right now but if they say you can better stay who you are. i’m gonna try and i accept that. 

my future is foggy so are my feelings right now. i feel all screwed up, but i have to be patient.